July 8th: Return to Juba, after six months away

Landed in Juba today, after six months away. And this city definitely beats to its own drum.

At the immigration desk they insist on calling me ‘Nyabo,’ because in South Sudan any unmarried or childless female, regardless of age, is considered a girl, and since Nyabo is the Ugandan word for ‘girl’ and I look appropriately non-South Sudanese…

I always have to deal with these assumptions. And when I complained about being neither Ugandan, nor a girl (35 years old is not a girl, its an adult), the only thing this earned me was the right to be shuffled a few counters over to be asked additional questions:  “where do you come from, what are you coming to do here in south sudan, is this your first time here, where do you work, you don’t work? then what do you do? Do you have family here? etc. I definitely feel like a foreigner every time I land here, and even though I consider this to be home.

And I do come here by choice -it’s certainly not even because of any family or work obligations.

However, on the drive from the airport, there were all these cars flying the flag of south sudan and this evening, I hear people out and about celebrating, cars honking and music playing. Tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of our independence.This is the reason i am back.

I see numerous editorials talking about we have little to celebrate and this makes me realize how little they understand. Four years ago we waited for days, stood in line for hours, and decided we wanted to stake ownership of our own land. This, for us, will always be worth celebrating, even as we watch ourselves destroy this country. 

Only those who have been stateless know what it means to have nowhere to stake claim to and nowhere that claims us. Only those who have ever experienced being a refugee knows what it means to finally have a homeland. Even when i come back and are made to feel like a foreigner, because i dont 'look' or 'act' south sudanese, it does not take away from the fact that this is still where i belong. 

So yes it still matters. And we must still celebrate it, even if it is for a day. 

We can go back to mourning the direction in which we are headed, the day after July 9th.