once again... we are running

its been a mere 5 years of independence. my favourite time in juba has always been around July 9th; the independence day celebrations. the week leading up to it, when everything, people, cars, animals - is draped in flags. We are all planning what to wear, where to go party, whom to go see, buying food and drinks, new clothes for the children. everyone eagerly awaiting the day at the mausoleum, where we party and celebrate and appreciate the fact that we have a country, finally. after years of being refugees.

Instead, this year, they cancelled the celebrations. and as if that was not enough, fighting started in Juba. Apparently, neither our president, nor his two vice-presidents has any idea who and why is fighting. what we hear are accusations launched back and forth.

people that were going to church on Sunday, found themselves fleeing for their lives when their roads were blocked by sounds of artillery. Children woke up today, Monday morning, to even more fighting. we are once again counting the dead. we are once again traumatized- and we have yet to heal from our many previous traumas.

we have been refugees since we got independence. we merely had a year or two of people returning back to South Sudan, from everywhere.. and now those same people, and many others, are having to repack their bags and return to refugee shelters that they had previously abandoned.

its really hard to describe this feeling of powerlessness. it seems there is nothing we can do. we have no say. we have no power. we have no control. we cannot vote. we cannot speak. prayers arent being answered. the international community seems to have no clue.

we merely sit around like targets waiting for the next time our 'leaders' have a disagreement, knowing they do not take it upon each other- no - we have to be included in their fight - they take it out on us. and on the children. we are the ones who have to suffer - even though we have been very clear that 30 years of fighting was more than enough.

it still continues....and this time we don't even have a clear idea of who the enemy is.  One thing is clear: it is not the people of South Sudan. it is the 'leaders' whose legitimacy expired in 2015, and are now nothing but an AU/IGAD imposition.